EP 118: How Do You See Them?

Get Your FREE Audiobook of The Mission Driven Life: Discover and Fulfill Your Unique Contribution to the World: https://www.themissiondrivenmom.com/

It is kind of mind-blowing to realize just how much of our life is controlled by our own beliefs and paradigms--even our relationships! So often our frustrations, disappointments, and lack of connection are things WE are actually creating, without even realizing it. 

In this podcast Audrey asks: How are you seeing them? as an introduction to a conversation with yourself about how you might be contributing to your relationship problems and living out the drama cycle unknowingly. 

Stay tuned for engaging stories and the KEY to seeing everyone, especially yourself, as a CREATOR!

Listen with: EP 116: Creator Mode: Escaping the Victim Mentality for Good

Listen with: EP 115: One Shift Away: The Secret to Your Mission Driven Life

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PODCAST TRANSCRIPT (AI Generated)

 Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Audrey Rindlisbacher, author of The Mission Driven Life and Founder of the Mission-Driven Mom. I'm so excited that you’re joining me today.

We’re going to talk about some really interesting things. If you’re new to this podcast, you can just keep listening along. But you may also want to go back to the very beginning and do a little binge-listening. You’ll get a deep dive into the Seven Laws of Life Mission, hear a bunch of mission-driven stories, and really get a good sense of what we do here—why you can live a mission-driven life, and how that will change the way you see the world, the way you see yourself, and the way you live.

If you haven’t gone to themissiondrivenmom.com and grabbed your copy of The Mission-Driven Life: Discover and Fulfill Your Unique Contribution to the World, please go get your free copy of the audiobook. It’s available right on the homepage, and it’s the full version—so there’s no reason you can’t fully understand what Mission-Driven Living is and begin engaging in it yourself.

In that book, I tell the story of the Ten Boom family. There are many mission-driven stories I could share—as you know, I often talk here on the podcast about men and women who lived those Seven Laws and how they did it. The Ten Booms are incredible, amazing heroes of mine. They saved the lives of over 800 Jews during World War II—and they did so much more than that.

But the great thing about the Ten Booms is that they didn’t always “have it together”—just like you and I don’t always have it together. And by following in their footsteps, we can learn to become a little bit more like them. The Seven Laws help us to do exactly that.

The Story of Jack

I want to tell you a story today about a little boy—this is really fascinating.

One day, little Jack was walking down the street when, tragically, he was hit by a school bus. From the moment of the accident and in the weeks that followed, his mother always referred to it as “the horrible accident.” Every day she told the story: Jack had been hit by a bus, he had broken both legs, and now he was in a wheelchair.

She felt terribly guilty that she hadn’t been there to protect him—although, of course, how could she have been?—and seeing him in a wheelchair was extremely difficult for her.

The doctors, however, were confident. They saw no reason Jack wouldn’t make a full recovery. But his mother kept warning him that his legs might not ever fully heal. She wanted him to be “prepared” that he might never run or play soccer again like the other kids.

When doctors cleared Jack to return to school, his mom and dad were convinced that seeing school buses every day would be too traumatic. They decided instead that his mother would quit her job and homeschool him for the rest of the year. They also believed that seeing his friends play at recess while he was in a wheelchair would be unbearable—so, again, they thought it was better to just keep him home.

At home, Jack usually finished his schoolwork in the mornings. The rest of the day he filled with TV and video games. Within just a few weeks, his mood tanked. He became more and more depressed.

His parents assumed the depression meant the accident had traumatized him more deeply than they had thought. So they found a child therapist who specialized in trauma and brought Jack to see her.

When Jack’s mother wheeled him into the office, he sat silently, staring at the floor. He was embarrassed, depressed, and sad. His mother began:

“We’re having such a hard time with this terrible accident. It’s really ruined our lives and caused so many emotional problems for Jack. He’s just not the same little boy.”

To her surprise, the therapist didn’t respond with sympathy. Instead, she turned enthusiastically to Jack and said:

“Boy, have I been looking forward to meeting you, Jack! I’ve never met a kid who could beat a school bus. You have to tell me—how did you manage to get into a fight with a school bus and win?”

For the first time since the accident, Jack smiled.

Over the next few weeks, Jack worked with the therapist on a creative project: making his own book. He titled it How to Beat a School Bus. In it, he wrote a wonderful story about how he had fought a school bus and escaped with only a few broken bones. He even ended the book with a drawing of himself in a wheelchair wearing a superhero cape.

With the therapist’s encouragement, Jack returned to school and soon became a normal, happy, well-adjusted boy again.

But the therapist also had to work with Jack’s parents. She helped them see the core issue—the message of today’s podcast: they were seeing Jack wrong.

What Went Wrong

Why was Jack’s mother treating him this way?

I don’t know all the reasons, but here are some:

• Fear. She feared Jack wouldn’t fully recover. She feared the “what ifs”: What if he can’t run? What if life never goes back to normal? What if he’s traumatized forever? Her own fears drove her words and choices.
• Guilt. She couldn’t protect him from “the horrible accident.” That guilt shaped her behavior and her overprotection.
• Pity. She felt so sorry for him that she thought the best way to show love was constant sympathy.

But underneath all of that was the real problem: she saw Jack as broken.

She didn’t truly believe he could overcome this. She projected onto him her own fears, her own imagined pain, even the ways she thought she would have reacted. Instead of being confident in her son’s resilience, she treated him as weak, fragile, and permanently damaged.

The therapist helped her realize: if Jack was going to thrive, his parents had to stop seeing him as broken.

Seeing Others Properly

What’s fascinating about Jack’s story is that it encapsulates so many powerful principles. It’s easy to see how his mother was actually creating trauma in him. As soon as Jack was presented with someone who saw him fundamentally differently, the “problem” disappeared.

When the therapist came in and said, “You’re incredible—you beat the school bus!”—everything shifted. Jack smiled, he felt challenged in a positive way, and he reframed his entire identity. When he saw himself differently, the doors opened. He was able to heal, move forward, and overcome the accident.

Stephen Covey’s Story

Let me share another story—this one from Stephen Covey.

He tells how he and his wife were struggling with one of their sons. This boy was having a difficult time in school. He didn’t know how to follow instructions on tests, so his grades suffered. Socially, he was very immature, often saying or doing things that embarrassed his family and friends. Athletically, he was small, skinny, and uncoordinated. For example, when he swung a baseball bat, he would often swing before the ball was even pitched—and people would laugh.

Covey and his wife were desperate to help. They wanted their son to be successful in every area of his life. At first, they focused on their attitudes and behaviors toward him, trying to be positive and encouraging.

Covey recalls:

“We attempted to psych him up using positive mental attitude techniques. ‘Come on, son, you can do it! We know you can. Put your hands a little higher on the bat. Keep your eye on the ball. Don’t swing until it gets close.’ If he did a little better, we would go to great lengths to reinforce it: ‘That’s good, son. Keep it up!’

“While others laughed, we reprimanded them: ‘Leave him alone. Get off his back. He’s just learning.’

“But our son would cry and insist that he’d never be any good, that he didn’t like baseball anyway. Nothing we did seemed to help.”

Despite their encouragement, Covey and his wife watched their son’s self-esteem plummet. Finally, they pulled back and looked at the situation on a different level.

They realized that their attempts to “help” weren’t working because—deep down—they didn’t truly believe in him. Subconsciously, they saw him as fundamentally underdeveloped: academically, socially, physically. Inept. Inadequate.

Covey explains:

“When we honestly examined our deepest feelings, we realized our perception was that he was basically inadequate—somehow behind. No matter how much we worked on our attitudes and behaviors, our efforts were ineffective because, despite our words and actions, what we were really communicating was: ‘You aren’t capable. You have to be protected.’

“We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we would first have to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we had to change our perceptions and paradigms.”

Paradigms Change Everything

I recently did a podcast about paradigms—how they are everything. Go listen to that one in conjunction with this one.

I’ve shared before how reading Leadership and Self-Deception was life-changing for me. At the time, I had broken, unhealthy relationships with extended family. I blamed them—for dressing their kids alike and leaving my daughter out, for their supposed moral failings, for whatever narrative I had created in my head.

But the real problem wasn’t them—it was me. I saw them as “less than.” I judged them and propped myself up as morally superior. Because I didn’t see them properly, I distorted our entire relationship.

Leadership and Self-Deception helped me understand that no matter what my attitudes or outward behaviors were, how I truly felt—how I truly saw them—was impossible to hide. That’s what always got communicated.

This is why it’s so important to work on our basic perceptions: to see others as creators.

Victimhood and the Drama Cycle

This ties back to what we teach in the MDM Academy about drama and victimhood. When we see people wrongly, we usually cast them into roles in the drama cycle.

• In both Jack’s story and Covey’s story, the children were seen as victims—either of biology, circumstance, or trauma.
• In my extended family situation, I cast them as persecutors—making me unhappy, leaving me out—when in reality I was jealous and not being honest about it.
• I’ve even had children tell me, “Mom, you’re always trying to fix me.” Why would they say that? Because I was acting like a rescuer.

When we cast people into the drama cycle—victim, persecutor, or rescuer—we distort reality. We stop seeing clearly.

The truth is: everyone is a creator.

Applying This to Marriage

I’ve said openly that my husband struggled with a pornography addiction for many years. Because of that, I’ve spoken with many women in similar situations. And what often happens is this:

• Some women cast their husbands as persecutors—the “bad guy” who intentionally hurts them and chooses other women over them.
• Other women cast their husbands as victims—helpless, bound by addiction, unable to choose differently.

Neither view is true. Both distort reality.

When we cast others in drama roles, we horribilize them, gossip about them, or pity them. And every time we do that, we destroy real connection.

The truth is, everyone is a creator. As children of God, it’s in our very DNA. We cannot not create. Even a husband addicted to pornography is still a creator. He is capable and competent of finding answers, and his wife is capable and competent of bearing the struggle, supporting the healing process, and patiently walking through it.

My Daily Creator Statement

I remind myself of this truth daily. I recorded a “Creator Statement” on my phone, and I listen to it every morning.

One line says: “I see myself and others as creators—capable and competent, able to navigate life successfully.”

Another line: “I trust that I and others are having the experiences we need to have for our ultimate good.”

This framing resets me every day. It puts me right where I need to be: knowing that I am a creator, you are a creator, and that the experiences we’re having are for our growth. We are capable and competent to overcome challenges, to find solutions, and to step fully into the role of creator.

Choosing to See Others as Creators

Maybe you’re not ready today. Maybe you don’t want to take that step yet. That doesn’t make you incapable, and it doesn’t make you incompetent.

If you’re in a relationship where things aren’t going the way you’d like, and you really want things to be different, here’s my challenge to you:

Sit down with yourself and ask honestly, Am I casting this person somewhere in the drama cycle? Do I see them as a persecutor, rescuer, or victim? And if so—why?

Ask yourself, Do I really believe they can’t do it? Do I see them as incapable? And if you do, ask yourself why.

Sometimes there are real limitations—maybe someone is five-foot-six and wants to play in the NBA. Okay, probably not going to happen. But here’s the truth: they are still a creator. They are capable and competent to figure that out for themselves. You can trust that they are having the experiences they need to have for their ultimate good.

And yes—that can be unbelievably painful. It can look like they’re hurting themselves, heading toward disaster, or walking a path that clearly won’t work out. But they are still a creator. They can do it. Who am I—and who are you—to limit them? Who are we to decide it can’t be done?

Seeing Potential at Their Own Pace

Stephen Covey shares more about his son. He says:

“Through deep thought, faith, and prayer, we began to see our son in terms of his own uniqueness. We saw within him layers of potential that would be realized—but at his own pace and speed. Instead of trying to set some unrealistic bar or timeline, we decided to slow down, calm down, and let nature take its course.”

I’ve got a child who’s disappointed with where they’re at in life right now. They wish they were further ahead. And I keep reassuring them: There’s no race. You’re not in competition with anyone. There’s no rule that says you have to check certain boxes by a certain age. Life doesn’t work that way. You’re capable. You’re competent. You can solve this problem.

Covey continues:

“We decided to relax and get out of his way and let his own personality emerge. We saw our natural role as being to affirm and value him.”

How different is that? Imagine being with your child, and instead of being embarrassed when they do something awkward, you just laugh and think it’s genuinely funny. You don’t let it bother you.

Covey goes on:

“We also conscientiously worked on our motives and cultivated internal sources of security, so our feelings of worth were not dependent on our children’s acceptable behavior.”

I cannot emphasize this enough. This is vital for healthy, happy mothering.

Cultivating Internal Security

We must have our own internal sources of security.

This is why we do the MDM Academy. This is why it’s so vital to your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health to meet your own needs. To manage your heart and mind. To discover your gifts. To live by principles. To study worldviews, to practice servant leadership, and to go out into your community helping others come to truth.

Why? Because you need your own confidence.

For too long, my ego was tied to my children’s choices. Their successes—or failures—made me happy or unhappy. But that wasn’t good for them, and it wasn’t good for me. My arbitrary standards and expectations weren’t serving anyone.

So you and I must cultivate our own inner sources of worth, so we’re not dependent on our children’s “acceptable” behavior. And that means working on you.

We sometimes tell ourselves, This is my children’s time. I can only focus on them right now. I can only spend money on them. But that’s simply not true. It’s a lie. They need you to live your own mission-driven life so they can see what it looks, feels, sounds, and smells like. They need to watch you do it—so they’ll want it for themselves.

The Outcome

Covey writes:

“As we loosened up our old perception of our son and developed value-based motives, new feelings began to emerge. We found ourselves enjoying him. Instead of comparing or judging him, we stopped trying to clone him in our own image or measure him against social expectations.

“Because we saw him as fundamentally adequate and able to cope with life, we stopped protecting him against ridicule. As the weeks and months passed, he began to feel a quiet confidence and affirmed himself. He blossomed at his own pace, and soon he excelled academically, socially, and athletically—far beyond what the so-called natural developmental process would have predicted.”

He grew into his full potential because the people around him stopped treating him as a victim and started seeing him as a creator.

Final Thoughts

So here’s the takeaway: You are a creator. They are creators.

If a relationship feels broken or discouraging, ask yourself: How can I see this person more as a creator? How can I affirm to myself and to them that they are capable and competent?

Stop thinking of all the reasons they can’t, and start thinking of all the reasons they can. As Earl Nightingale said, “Think of all the reasons you can.”

And as you shift your paradigm—even in subtle ways, like your body language—you will communicate something new: I believe in you. I know you can do it.

And over time, they will begin to believe it, too.

Because when we refuse to live in drama—when we stop casting ourselves and others as victims, persecutors, or rescuers—and instead choose to see everyone as creators, we empower the people around us to blossom into who they were always meant to be.

We allow them to grow through the aches and pains of life, to gain strength, and to learn how to manage life successfully.

They can do it. You can do it. We can do it—as mothers, as friends, as spouses. We can become the creators we were divinely designed to be.

Thank you for joining me today. I hope this was helpful to you. Don’t forget to grab your free audiobook copy of The Mission-Driven Life at themissiondrivenmom.com. And I’ll see you next time.