EP 153 You Were Never Meant to Do This Alone

Resource Links from Episode: 

• Mothers of Creation - Provo, Utah - September 26th 

• New Commonwealth Schools - Connect with Brenda

I want to tell you about a wonderful woman named Brenda.

Brenda is 55 years old, a mother of six, grandmother of seven, and one of the wisest, most joyful women I know. She has been homeschooling since her oldest was five years old. She has started schools, built communities, coached founders, and dragged her kids across the country on the kinds of adventures that sound impossible until someone actually does them.

But when she first started homeschooling, there was one thing that absolutely terrified her.

Poetry.

I am not joking. 

She looked at the whole beautiful, overwhelming calling in front of her and thought, okay, I can do this. And then she got to poetry and decided, nope. 

We are not doing poetry. 

If the Lord wants my kids to love poetry, He is going to have to find another way.

And then He did.

A woman showed up in her little homeschool co-op who loved literature. She took Brenda's two little girls, who were maybe eight and six at the time, and she turned them into poets. Glitter. Crowns. Laminated placemats. The whole thing. Her passion was contagious, and those little girls caught it.

Brenda told me that moment changed everything for her because it showed her something she had forgotten: she didn't have to do it all by herself. She just needed her people.

I think about that a lot when I talk to women who feel the pull to do more, be more, give more, and then wonder if they even have what it takes.

Maybe that's you right now.

Maybe you feel called to something, your home, your kids, your community, your church, and you are showing up every single day, but there's this low hum underneath everything that sounds a lot like, Is this enough? Am I enough? Where do I even start?

I recorded a podcast episode with Brenda this week, and I think you need to hear it.

AI Generated Transcript

Introduction

Audrey: Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Audrey Rindlisbacher, author of The Mission- Driven Life and founder of Mission-Driven Mom, and today I have a dear friend, an incredible woman, Brenda Hawes. I'm super excited for you to meet her. I'm going to tell you a little bit about her professionally. She is an MDM student. She has done some of the academy and had a great experience. She'll talk about that in just a minute. But in addition to that, she also builds communities. She is a professional community builder, if that is a thing that you could have as a title. She started her own homeschool group back in the nineties, back in the other century, because we're so old. And then she just grew into that. She started helping Commonwealth schools. They grew, and it grew into her own company, New Commonwealth Schools. She helps communities all across the country to grow and thrive. Super passionate about education, the ideals, and the principles that help us to grow and develop individually and in our greater community, in our families, first and foremost in educational spaces and beyond. And she is the mother of six and the grandmother of seven. So that's pretty awesome. 

So meet Brenda. She's incredible. We've been friends for a long time. I adore her. But we're going to talk more about community again this week and why it matters so much. So let's start with this, Brenda. I already know that you knew about MDM because you knew me.

Brenda: Yes.

Audrey: And we were doing masterminding together. It was super cool. I was working on this passion project, and you got excited and got involved. So tell us a little bit about it. Maybe we will work from the MDM perspective first and go into the greater question of what community means at large and the communities you work with. What was happening in your home, in your life, in your community before you adopted the MDM program into that? And what kind of a difference or a shift did you see through that process?

The Search for Rich Community

Brenda: I'm going to back up just a little bit. Okay. First of all, thank you for having me. This is so fun when we get to connect again. So I've moved around a fair amount and

have been homeschooling ever since my baby was five, so from the very beginning. And some of the places that I've been have had really rich homeschool communities. And by that, when I talk about rich, I'm talking about being able to sit down and have a really amazing conversation with the other moms at the park, or the other moms in the co-op, or somebody that I meet who happens to homeschool. Can we have a really in- depth, meaningful conversation? And I've been in places where that was true, and I've been in places where that was not true. In fact, one place we lived, I told my husband, that's it. I've done my year here, and I can't do this anymore, because all these moms wanted to talk about was stuff that I felt like had no real impact on our children or on our lives or on the community. It was no deeper than, “What's your latest math curriculum?” And I was so sad. I missed that level of feeling like I was growing every time a conversation was happening.

Audrey: Yes.

Brenda: And so we moved back to someplace where we'd been before, and then we ended up here in St. George, actually, where I am now. And it was a great community, great women, smart, wise, wonderful mothers, and people who really cared. And it was awesome. But there was a huge difference between before MDM and after MDM. So yes, you and I were connected. I knew about MDM, and I was excited to get on that path and start that journey. And so I wanted to grab all these women that I loved, who were in my group, that I was so connected to. I loved their kids, I loved them. We all really knew each other's values and where we were coming from, and I thought, “Let's all do this journey together. “

Audrey: “Let's do it.”

MDM and the Growth of Deep Conversation

Brenda: And we did. That was an incredible year for us. And I think one of the reasons why was because it was great content. The content itself really encouraged these great, deep conversations. It wasn't fluff, and it wasn't just superficial. It wasn't just rehashing the events of a book and seeing if we knew the timeline or could name the characters from a fiction book. That was not what it was. It was actually discussing character and values, and how a character's choices would apply to us, and how we saw our values mirrored in them or not mirrored in them. That led to deeper conversations, which led to this beautiful vulnerability that had to happen in the class. And that came over time. It's not like you just jump in with a group of people and automatically have that. But it did grow, and it grew steadily, and we were able to celebrate the things that were different in each of us and also celebrate the things that were similar. We really learned to hold space for other people and be excited about their things, even if they weren't our own, because we knew they would turn around and do the same. 

I think that one of the things I look back on, and I joke with my students now that I'm an old lady, right? I'm 55, and I'm older than most of their mothers. But I look at my forties as this incredible time of growth for me. And MDM was a huge part of that. I felt like a grown-up when I was going through MDM. I felt like these are questions and books and content and things that matter and that are actually going to make me a wiser person. So it was exciting to dig into it, and I saw the growth in myself, and it has made a huge difference in me. It also made a huge difference in our community because I wanted the moms who were the moms of my children's friends to have the same foundation I had, to have that same stable platform and the confidence in who they were. Because that gets passed on to their kids, and then to the family cultures, and then to the community.

Audrey: Yeah. It was beautiful. It was awesome. 

So one of the things that I've been talking about on the podcast lately is the root word "commune." The root word for communion, communication, and community. The root word "commune" actually means to unite your identity. And I've been talking about how all of these components connect, and I love that you said you could see your differences, but then you could celebrate them, and then you could see what was the same and celebrate that too. So my question then would be, did you feel that as your community focused on truth as an adventurous quest, and as they had the courage to become more vulnerable and open up in new ways, that there was more of that unity, that feeling of being more united in your identities, seeing each other more clearly, and wanting more of the same things and working together more harmoniously?

Vulnerability and the Safety of Shared Truth

Brenda: A hundred percent. Because not only did we start to see those differences and those similarities, but because we were opening up and being vulnerable, we found that it was a safe space. And I don't think you really find safety without being vulnerable first. You have to test the water, dip your toe in, or jump in all the way, whichever way you're going to do it. You have to be adventurous in order to find out if a space is safe. And what we found was the space was safe. 

And then what we were able to do, because we trusted each other, is as a community we were able to work together outside of the MDM classroom. As a group of women who were running this community, we were able to open up and say, "This is how I feel.” It's different than how you feel, but it's how I feel. Because now we felt safe in saying those things, sharing those different opinions, and we knew that what we shared would be held as sacred. Nobody was feeling as threatened. A lot of times when somebody comes at you with a different opinion, you might feel threatened by it. But we learned that wasn't threatening. It was something to be celebrated, and it was helpful to hear all the different opinions in order to make a wise decision. You've got to hear all of it.

Audrey: So why has community become your passion? Why does community matter so much to you?

Why Community Became a Passion

Brenda: I don't know why, but I feel a little teary right now. I think it started out because number one, I'm a very social person. I just am. I love other people. I always have since I was a child. I loved other people. They were interesting to me. I loved the different perspectives they brought to my life. And there's a synergy there that I started to recognize, and I really felt how much I needed that synergy when I started homeschooling. 

There's a story that I tell all the time about when I first started homeschooling. I thought, okay, I think I can do this. I was a young mom, probably about 25, and my oldest wasn't even five yet. I thought, “Okay, we'll read lots of stories. How can we make this fun and engaging?” But there was one thing that I knew I couldn't do, and that was poetry. I don't know why, but poetry was the one thing at that point that scared me. And I just decided, you know what, we're just not going to do poetry in my homeschool. We're going to make sure my kids at least don't inherit a hatred of learning because of poetry. Maybe if the Lord wants them to get that somehow, he'll provide a way. But fast forward a couple of years, and there was a woman who was placed in my life, and I'm going to call her out by name because I love her dearly and she deserves credit for this every single time. Her name was Lisa Morehead. And Lisa was a part of our first little homeschool group that we did, and she loved literature of all kinds. And she took my two little girls, who were probably eight and six at the time, and she turned them into poets. She introduced different styles of poetry to them. She made it fun. They turned it into artwork. I'm talking glitter and crowns and the whole thing, laminated placemats. It wasn't a big deal, but her passion was contagious. And that just solidified for me that what I was doing as a homeschool mom meant I didn't have to do it all by myself. I could bring other people into my children's lives. And they could have everything that they needed through the community. The community brought that.

Audrey: Yes. And every year it was different. You would have one family move out, and another couple of families move in, and those moms would bring different skill sets and different ideas and backgrounds, and it just made your children's experience and your own experience all the better.

Brenda: Yeah. Like we build together. That's just how we are, I think.

Community and the Empowerment of Mothers

Audrey: How do you feel like the communities that you've helped to build or participated in contributed to your ability to build the family culture that you wanted to have?

Brenda: I think as I built my own communities and started helping others build theirs, one of the things I saw was the growth of women and the strength of women and what they could do, and that was beautiful to me. I would start coaching a new chairperson or a founder of a school, and there were so many fears and uncertainties. But I was always excited to share this journey with these amazing women who want to give and share with their children and with the other people in their area. They are willing to go through so much to pull people together because they have faith that together they can do more, and have more power, and do more good in the world. That has constantly been a source of strength for me and has also definitely bled into my home because my philosophy has rubbed off on my kids. We joke about it as a family. My kids will say, “Oh, that's my mom. She'll ask for anything.” Because I am willing to ask, because I know that together we can do more. I always think, “Oh, this could be so much better with this or that,” and anybody can say no to me. Sometimes that comes as a surprise to people, but I tell them, “No, I expect no fifty percent of the time.” It's just a yes or it's a no and it's okay. I can just ask. And so part of our family culture is that you can ask. My kids have learned that. My husband knows that about me. I'm not going to say he's agood asker yet. We've only been married for thirty-six years, so surely there's more time and it'll rub off on him.

Audrey: Sure.

Brenda: He sometimes likes to joke about it. But I do think it has empowered my kids to go out in the world and know there are no limits. That's how I feel. You get together a group, a community, and of course, in my case, it's usually a group of moms, and there's nothing we can't do. We can take our kids to Kenya and have them have this amazing experience. We can take them to Washington D.C. We can have this amazing educational experience where kids are willing to grit their teeth and hold themselves up by their fingernails trying to get all the homework done and everything else. And what are they doing it for? Not for grades. Not for a GPA. But they're willing to do it because they know it's going to be great. And those are things we've done together. We've created that culture, we've created those environments and helped inspire our children and inspire ourselves to heights that I believe would not have happened if it was just us alone.

Finding Your People

Audrey: Wow. That's incredible. And I feel like there are plenty of people out there who don't homeschool. Maybe you coach basketball for teenagers, and you get to know people at the games and have experiences, or you belong to a church, and you say hi to your neighbors, and you know who they are. But I just know for myself, when I was a young mom, and I was exhausted, and I knew I needed something, but couldn't have articulated what, I needed to be alive and awake to my own potential. I needed to know how to pursue answers to my problems, and I needed to be surrounded by people who would walk with me on that journey. I had a wonderful family and good friends, and had always gone to church, and that was wonderful. But there really was not anything like what you're communicating until I found liberal arts education and then went on to build my own programs and systems and to surround myself with like-minded women in that same way. And it's addicting. You come to feel like you just can't live without it. You need your people because you know what life felt like when you didn't have them, and you know the mental and emotional and sometimes even spiritual loneliness. 

Because the kinds of things you're talking about are super regenerative. The challenge of raising the funds to get the kids to Kenya, everything about it, there are a million moving parts, and it's a challenge for everybody. And then there's nothing like that feeling of doing it together, of pulling it off together. And in the same way, when you were doing MDM in your community, when you share the same language, when you're on the same pursuit, when you have the same goal, and when there's this added element of working on changing yourself, of needing to be more honest with yourself, facing who you are, being willing to change, being willing to let people push back on you and call you out on things, that's hard, but so empowering. Because then you see the changes in yourself, and you would never go back. You recognize there's a narrow way that you have to be willing to walk through if you want those changes in yourself and in your family. Anyway.

Brenda: So well said. And I'm going to add to that. I feel so blessed because I am surrounded by such amazing women. They're communities in different places. I have my community in Colorado from when I started my first Commonwealth school, where we raised our kids together and went through liberal arts education together. We still get together once a year. We find a time and a place. And then I have that also here in St. George. And those are the women, because MDM is a huge part of this; those are the women that I can go to and say, " Hey, is this thing that I do annoying?” And your surface- level friends will say, "Oh no, it's fine.” But your real friends who honor truth and understand that you're really asking for a real answer will be like, "Yes, actually. Let's have a talk about it.”

Audrey: “Finally, we've been waiting for you to bring this up.”

Brenda: But those are the kinds of people I want to surround myself with. People who are going to tell me the truth when I'm asking for the truth. Now, maybe I don't want the truth every single day or every minute. I need it in doses. The truth is hard. But they are amazing adult women who can speak truth. And that is one of the huge things that MDM brought to our community.

Audrey: Wow. I'm so glad. It's been a joy to watch the caliber of women that it attracts. That's been one of the greatest, most beautiful surprises, that women will come. We had a woman just sign up the other day, and it was pretty heartbreaking to read her self-description of how broken she feels. But I know what kind of woman she is, because she is ready and willing to make the sacrifices to face it. And she will see change in herself, and she will grow, and she will begin to conquer some of the things that have felt unconquerable. And I am so joyful that I get to be on that walk with her. To watch that happen and to be part of that transformational journey for her is such a joy.

A Shared Mission and Vision for Community

Audrey: So, is there anything else you would like to share about why finding your people matters so much or how community blesses our lives?

Brenda: I'm going to share that one of the things I teach my founders of my schools is that they need to come up with a mission for their school, a mission and a vision statement, and that's the first thing I ask them to do. And I tell them, “Look, it's going to get refined later. It's fine. Don't stress about it. Let's just get it started.” Because picking out their mission and vision also means choosing an educational philosophy for their group. When you have a united goal, when you have hearts that are knit and working towards the same thing, now I'm not talking about sameness across the board, that's not at all what we're trying to get at. But this one big goal that they share, the struggle is still real. It doesn't change the fact that homeschooling your kids is hard, and running a community is tough. Running a Commonwealth school is hard. But that goal keeps you going and keeps you moving forward. And one of the hardest things is when people join that group, and they are not on board with the goal. And sometimes people need a little bit of time to really understand the goal and kind of test the waters and see if they're on board or not. But once they decide that they're not, my wish for them is always to go find another group that is aligned so that they don't feel like they're constantly trying to hammer themselves into the wrong-sized hole. The square peg, round hole kind of thing. That friction happens, and it's because the goals are not united. But when a liberal arts education is the unifying goal for your family and for your children, in a Commonwealth setting, that is so powerful. And it doesn't have to be about education. It can be a lot of other things. But have a unifying goal for your community, and that's what will pull you together.

Audrey: Yes, so beautifully said. Having vision, clarity, intention, focus, and a shared vision is so vital. Any last words for our listeners? Any advice for them?

Final Thoughts

Brenda: Figure out what it is you want and who you want to be. And go for that. Make that happen. Be you. Be the best you can be. And I'm just going to say it, Audrey, because it's happened to me: MDM will help get you there. MDM will help you figure out what it is that you want. As you peel back the layers of things that are not important in your life and you start to find that focus and that clarity, MDM will help you do that. I'm not just saying it. I recommend it all the time. When I go and speak to my schools and talk to the moms there, I say, look, if you want to become really unified, do this. Get started with MDM One and then work your way through the program. We have had some of your schools do it.

Audrey: Yes. And they always come back and say, "You were right. We made this huge change in our school.”

Brenda: It changes lives. It's a big deal.

Audrey: Thank you, Brenda. You're such a beautiful person. I'm so grateful to have you for a friend. If you want to know more about what Brenda does and you're involved in schools or homeschooling, we'll put the link to her organization below, and you can reach out to her if you'd like to know more about what we're doing.