EP 121: Do NOT Do Affirmations! They will make things worse, here's why...(and what to do instead)

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If you've spent much time in the self-help world, you know that pretty much everyone says that what you need to do if you want to be successful is to write affirmations. Yet, the practical application of that --when you really try to write and use affirmations in your real life--often does not work at all. 

In fact, in many cases, using affirmations can actually make things worse!

In this episode, Audrey explains why affirmations don't work, and exactly how they can lower your self-image and increase your discouragement...sometimes leading to giving up altogether.

That's why Audrey offers you the BEST alternative possible--a tool that actually works, gives you confidence, increases your motivation, and inspires you to change!

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PODCAST TRANSCRIPT (AI Generated)

Welcome back to the Mission Driven Mom podcast. I’m Audrey Rindlisbacher, author of The Mission Driven Life and founder of the Mission Driven Mom.

Today I want to explain why you do not want to use affirmations. I know everybody is saying they’re a great idea. Maybe you’ve tried them yourself, or maybe you know someone who feels like they’ve had a little bit of success with them. But in reality, affirmations often make things worse—and there are very important reasons why that’s the case.

Instead of affirmations, I’m going to share a skill you can use instead—something that’s powerful, practical, and easy to learn. In the Mission Driven Mom Academy, we dive deep into this skill. We run workshops, practice together, and study reading selections that help you really develop the habit and get good at it. But even just listening today, you’ll be able to understand the basics and start using it.

So let’s begin by talking about why affirmations aren’t helpful.

Imagine for a moment that you’re not at the weight you want to be. You want to be thinner, fitter, and healthier. So you decide to try affirmations. Everyone says you should write down your goal in the present tense—as if it’s already true. So you write something like: I am fit. I am healthy. I am thin.

But here’s the problem. Robert Fritz put it perfectly: “Affirmations are automatic compensations for inadequacies you suspect you have.”

In other words, the very reason you’re writing the affirmation is because you already believe you’re inadequate in that area. You think something’s wrong with you, and the affirmation is supposed to help convince you that you can be different. On the surface, that sounds positive—you want to believe you can change. But in reality, affirmations don’t create a “better self.”

And this is one of the big reasons self-help strategies often fall short. Affirmations don’t actually work the way people think they do.

Here’s what really happens. When you repeat an affirmation like, I am thin. I am fit, your brain immediately knows it isn’t true. It recognizes the lie. You aren’t thin and fit right now. You aren’t rich right now. You don’t have the perfect marriage right now. Whatever it is you’re affirming, your mind knows it’s false.

So what gets triggered? A constant reminder of the opposite. If you need to say, I am thin, your brain says, Well, clearly I’m not—that’s why I need the affirmation in the first place. If you need to say, I am rich, your brain says, No, I’m poor—that’s why I’m repeating this.

Inadvertently, affirmations reinforce the exact inadequacies you’re trying to overcome. Every day you tell yourself, I am this thing, while your brain responds, No, you’re not. And over time, instead of building confidence, you actually feel worse about yourself.

Two, three, four weeks into repeating affirmations, you’re still not thin, healthy, or fit. You’ve been lying to yourself, and the gap between where you are and where you want to be just keeps growing. That gap compounds day by day, and the worse you feel about yourself, the more like a failure you seem to become.

This is why affirmations so often backfire. People will try them, maybe even create a vision board with pictures of the person they want to be—but all it really does is remind them of what they’re not.

Then what happens? People try to follow a workout plan or some kind of system, but as time goes by, they feel worse about themselves. A month passes, and they’re still not healthy, fit, or thin. So they give up. They throw their hands in the air and say, Forget it. It’s never going to work. I can’t do it.

And that’s the sad part. Essentially, what they’ve done is spend a month affirming to themselves that they are not that thing. Sure enough, they’re not—and telling themselves that they are hasn’t changed anything. So they give up. Sometimes they give up altogether—not just on affirmations, but on the goal itself. They stop even trying to be healthy, fit, or whatever it was they wanted to become.

Robert Fritz explains that this “compensation tactic” of using affirmations only reinforces the gap between your desired ideal and your current reality. And here’s why: goals already create tension.

That’s what makes personal growth so hard. You have to hold the tension between who you are right now and who you want to become. And when you set a goal, that difference becomes even more obvious. The gap feels starker, more uncomfortable. Then, if you add affirmations on top of that—I am this thing right now—your brain knows it’s not true, and the tension only grows stronger.

Now, some people will argue, Well, if you keep saying it, eventually you’ll brainwash yourself. Your brain will start to believe it, and then you’ll figure out how to accomplish it. And sure, there are cases where people persevere and eventually reach their goal. I’m not saying affirmations have never worked for anyone. But for most people, most of the time, if you’ve tried it at all, you know the truth: nothing really changes, and often you just end up feeling worse.

Fritz also points out that motivation tells the whole story. Here you have a person who feels inadequate—not good enough, not organized enough, not rich enough—and is trying to prove to themselves that they’re the opposite. But deep down, they still feel inadequate.

And think about it: what does it even mean to say, I am thin, fit, and healthy? How do you measure that? How do you know when you’ve arrived? Every day the affirmation just reminds you again that you’re not there yet.

Even worse, as Fritz observes, a weak self-image often leads to harsh self-criticism. Instead of lifting yourself up, you put more pressure on yourself. You criticize yourself more intensely.

Now, let me tell you—this is something I’ve seen again and again in the hundreds of women I’ve worked with. Many of them believe that if they stop focusing on their weaknesses, they won’t be able to change. I’ve had countless women say to me, If I don’t think about what’s wrong with me, how will I ever improve?

But in the Academy, we take a completely different approach. Our entire framework is built on strengths. That’s why, in Level One, we have you take six, seven, sometimes eight different assessments and evaluations—because we want you to have supreme knowledge of yourself. We want you to see how amazing you are.

When you begin working from a perspective of strength—believing in your gifts and leaning into them—you naturally start to grow. And as you engage in real work—whether in yourself, your home, or your community—your weaknesses will show up. Of course they will. But now, you’ll have the motivation to deal with them. You’ll either learn new skills, seek help, or partner with others whose strengths complement your weaknesses.

And here’s the difference: it all comes from a place of confidence and self-knowledge. That’s why weaknesses don’t shut you down anymore. Instead of stopping you, they become opportunities to stretch, collaborate, and grow.

I can’t tell you how many women have told me, If I don’t focus on what’s wrong with me, I’ll never get better. And I always say—it’s just not true. If you live and work from your strengths, your weaknesses will reveal themselves naturally. And when they do, you’ll have more motivation than ever to address them and keep moving forward.

When you know that you’re awesome…when you know your strengths are needed…when you know you’re making a difference and that what you’re doing is working—then you can figure things out. You can go out and get the education you need, the skills, the tools, the principles that will help you get stronger in those weaker areas.

But when you start from a place of weakness, it damages how you feel about yourself. You’re already feeling inadequate, and then you layer affirmations on top—reminding yourself every day of what you’re not. That’s a recipe for disaster. Of course you’re going to feel like a failure.

I was at an event recently where we were asked to write little bios for a networking app. A young attorney—married, with a couple of beautiful kids—reached out to me. He had read just a few sentences on our website describing common pain points and desires. He said, You’ve described my wife to a T. He told me, She loves our children, she loves me, she loves God. We have a good marriage. And yet…she doesn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.

My heart just broke for her. I thought, I get it. I’ve been there. And most likely, she’s telling herself all day long about the ways she’s not good enough, the ways she’s not showing up. She doesn’t realize how brilliant she is. She doesn’t know how to solve problems with principles. She hasn’t identified her strengths through assessments. She hasn’t used even one of the dozen powerful tools I discovered over years of study—tools I built into the Academy to help women heal and grow.

So many women believe the way forward is to focus on their weaknesses. Then they try affirmations, and end up feeling even worse. They think, Everyone says this should work. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just set a goal, do my affirmations, and have it all come together?

But I’m here to say: No. That’s the wrong lens.

You need a completely different approach—a lens of strengths and principles. The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You’ve just been given the wrong information. You’ve never been shown how principles can help you, how truth can set you free, or how working from your strengths can actually create lasting growth. That’s what we do at the Mission Driven Mom.

Robert Fritz explains that once affirmations fail, people often turn on themselves. He says the purpose of this self-attack is “deterrence”—the hope that, with enough warning and self-incrimination, you’ll be more careful about living up to your ideal next time.

Sound familiar? Women tell me this all the time. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, they say. But then they beat themselves up anyway. I did it for years, so I know exactly how it feels. You’re trying everything people say will work, but it doesn’t—and now you’re criticizing yourself for criticizing yourself.

And it often gets worse when you seek outside help. Maybe you hire a life coach, go to therapy, or sign up for an online course. One of my students told me she had tried all of that—therapy, books, online programs. None of it worked. It was only through the Mission Driven Mom Academy—learning empowering principles, identifying her strengths, leading herself, and deepening her relationship with God—that she finally healed from childhood trauma. Today she feels grounded, fulfilled, purposeful, and confident.

Why? Because the other tools weren’t addressing the real issue. Affirmations, self-admonishment, even well-meaning “help” can all reinforce the same painful cycle: I’m not who I want to be. I try to change. I feel worse. Now I’m even more convinced I’m broken.

Robert Fritz says it this way: The more help the person gets, the less likely they are to be helped—because the help often reinforces the original conflict. Instead of closing the gap between who you are and who you want to be, it widens it. Every attempt to fix it only deepens the discouragement.

And that’s why I’m urging you to stay away from affirmations. They can actually make things worse. I’d hate for you to pour your heart into them, only to end up more discouraged than when you began.

So really, honestly, mothers and women—you should not be doing affirmations. You should be doing something else instead. Because otherwise, you end up on this helpless, hopeless hamster wheel. You’re running and running, trying to be your best, trying to do good, trying to find the help and answers you need. You’re trying to believe you’re good enough, trying to be confident—yet you never seem to arrive.

And the longer this goes on, the more you feel like you’re failing. You aren’t reaching your ideals—ideals that may not even be realistic in the first place. So you start to feel like a failure in your own life, and the discouragement and depression just deepen. It’s a lose-lose-lose situation.

But here’s the truth: you are so much better than this. Your life can be so different.

I promised you that every week on this podcast we would explore the Seven Laws of Life Mission:

• Loving God
• Loving yourself
• Loving truth
• Loving humanity
• Hearing the call
• Courageously executing
• And then doing it again and again

And today, we’re diving deeply into the foundation: loving God and loving yourself.

Caring for yourself properly is one of the most misunderstood concepts in the world today. I could spend all day talking about how people get it wrong. And I know that’s true, because we’ve helped hundreds of women transform their lives through the Mission Driven Mom. Our program changes you from the inside out, because it gives you a new lens for seeing yourself and the world. Once that lens is in place, you can never go back to the way you used to see things.

So let’s talk about some principles of self-care—the principles underneath the law of loving yourself—and what they have to do with affirmations.

Here’s the first one: you and I believe what we tell ourselves.

I’ve shared this story many times, but let me briefly tell it again in case you haven’t heard it. Years ago, I was struggling in many areas of life—my marriage, my home, even my health and finances. Then I was introduced to classical liberal education. I studied the greats. I learned about natural law and first principles. And I started searching for the principles that could set me free.

Each step of the way, I applied those principles, and they changed me. That doesn’t mean my problems magically disappeared. But I became different. I showed up differently. And that meant the problems no longer stopped my growth.

During that time, I attended a women’s class. The teacher randomly handed out roses to a dozen women. Then she asked those women to come up, place their rose in a vase at the front of the room, and share one good thing about themselves.

One by one, women went up. And one by one, they said something self-deprecating. I’m good at eating chocolate. I’m good at sleeping in. I’m good at yelling at my kids. I’m good at having a messy house. Out of twelve women, only the very last one said anything remotely kind about herself.

At first, people chuckled. But by the end, my heart was broken. I couldn’t believe that these women—women I knew to be incredible, amazing human beings—would speak that way about themselves.

And here’s why it hit me so hard: we believe what we tell ourselves. What we say about ourselves, about others, about the world—over time, it sinks in. It becomes part of what we believe.

The problem with affirmations is that they’re lies we’re trying to convince ourselves are true. That creates incongruity. It sets up a mental battle, a war within ourselves. It’s unpleasant. It’s discouraging. And it doesn’t work.

And when we talk this way to others—when we repeat self-deprecating lines out loud—we just reinforce the negative image and feel worse.

So here’s another principle I want you to understand before I give you a powerful tool that will change everything. At first, this tool may seem subtle. You may think, Well, isn’t that just like affirmations? But I promise—it is night-and-day different. And the results it produces are radically different.

The second principle is this: our negative feelings and thoughts are not caused by our circumstances. They’re caused by what we tell ourselves about our circumstances.

That’s such a key truth. When we understand that what we tell ourselves tends to become what we believe—unless it’s a lie, in which case we end up at war with ourselves—then we can see how powerful our self-talk really is. Our feelings don’t come from the outside world; they come from the way we interpret and describe our world to ourselves.

So if you’re having a lot of feelings you don’t want—stress, discouragement, frustration—those feelings are being caused by your thoughts and words. Most people don’t make this connection. They go out into the world, complain about their circumstances, talk badly about themselves, and then wonder why they don’t feel happy or excited for life.

The problem is, it feels so real. The dishes aren’t done. Your husband was rude last night. Your kids aren’t listening. Those may be facts, but they’re not the whole truth.

This brings me to the tool I want to share with you today: Telling Yourself the Truth.

It’s so powerful. Even when there are undeniable facts in your life, you may think you’re simply “telling the truth” when you talk about them. But often you’re only telling half-truths. You’re stuck in the facts without seeing the bigger reality. That’s why affirmations fail—they’re lies dressed up as truth. But half-truths also fail, because they limit you.

The truth—whole truth—always liberates. It always sets you free.

So what you need to do is start telling yourself the whole truth.

Before I share some examples, let me pause for just a moment. If this concept is resonating with you—if you want real mentoring, practice, and accountability to master this skill—consider joining our Academy. That’s where we do deep dives into principles like this one.

And if you’re enjoying the podcast, please take a minute to leave a review, subscribe, and share it with a friend. That helps others find us, and it helps us grow. If you’re new here, you can also go back and listen from the beginning. We’ve reordered episodes so you can walk through the Seven Laws of Life Mission step by step, hear inspiring mission-driven stories, and get grounded in the principles that will set you free.

Okay—back to truth-telling.

Here’s an example I know many women can relate to: being overweight.

Example 1: Weight

An affirmation might sound like this: I’m thin, healthy, and fit. But immediately, your brain rejects it. Because your brain wants to believe you. It wants to trust that you’re an honest, integrous person. And when you say something that clearly isn’t true, your brain fights back: No you’re not. That inner war creates resistance and discouragement.

Truth statements, however, feel completely different. When you tell yourself the truth, your brain relaxes. It agrees. It gets on board. And natural motivation follows.

Here are some truth statements you could say if you genuinely feel overweight but want to be healthy and fit:

• I can make choices today that will increase the health of my body.
• I want to have a healthier body.
• God wants me to have a healthy body.
• God will help me learn about health and nutrition so I can make more informed choices.

Do you hear the difference? Every single one of those is true. And because they’re true, your brain says, Yes—that’s right. And as you repeat them, they empower you. They excite you. They point you toward what’s possible.

That’s the power of telling yourself the truth.

It doesn’t speak to what is not. It speaks to what can be. That moves you forward and motivates you to take action. You might start with something as simple as: “I can learn what it means to have a healthy body. I can do that. I’m going to start today. And God will help me.”

Pretty soon, you’re engaging with ideas and materials that inspire you. Notice, too, that the affirmation “I am thin, healthy, and fit” has no action attached. It communicates nothing.

At The Mission-Driven Mom, we teach what we call actionable principles—truths that are true for everyone, all the time, and framed in such a way that natural actions logically follow. When you tell yourself the truth, you’re making actionable statements.

For example: “I want to have a healthier body.” That’s motivating. It’s energizing. Instead of saying, “I’m so sick. Look at my belly. I hate how I look,” or lying to yourself with, “I’m thin and healthy and fit,” you could simply say, “I want to be healthier. I’m working on that.”

That’s forward-looking. It’s optimistic. It’s intentional. It’s true. And because your mind and body know it’s true, they align with it. The more you tell yourself true statements, the more momentum you gain. Motivation snowballs.

This reminds me of a book I once read about weight loss. The author described a skill she called “Monkey Bars.” She said, “If you’re not where you want to be in some area of your life, just tell yourself the next monkey bar belief.” And the first one is always: “I want this thing.” That one shift removes all the negativity of self-deprecation and the falsehood of affirmations.

Looping back—the reason these truth statements work is because you instantly believe yourself. You respect yourself for telling the truth. You feel real motivation to move forward. You focus on what’s good and right about you and your circumstances. Your mind starts solving problems instead of fighting lies. And your self-confidence naturally grows.

Let me give you a few more examples.

Example 2: Children’s choices
If your children are making choices you don’t like, affirmations might sound like: “I’m okay with what they’re doing”—but that’s not true. And because it’s not true, it only discourages you more.

Instead, here are some empowering truth statements:

• My children can learn from their mistakes.
• I’m not responsible for other people’s choices.
• I worked hard to be a good mom, and I’m proud of that.
• I can show my children unconditional love, even if I don’t like their choices.

These are true, actionable, and deeply empowering.

Example 3: Career dissatisfaction
You might be tempted to say: “I love my job,” or “I have a thriving business.” But if that’s not your reality, your brain rejects it.

Instead, you could say:

• I can do my job with integrity while I look for other work.
• I can learn more about myself so I can determine the best work for me.
• I choose to show up at work and give my best, even when it isn’t fun.

These truth statements move you forward. They free you from discouragement.

When you practice truth statements, you’ll feel the difference. You’ll feel liberated from self-deprecating thoughts, freed from affirmations that create inner conflict, and empowered to live with integrity.

Remember: you are not a victim of your emotions. You will never find peace if you constantly put yourself down. But you are in control of your own happiness.

I’ve seen hundreds of women in our Academy completely transform their lives just by mastering this one skill. Affirmations won’t get you there. Truth will.

So if you’re in a circumstance you don’t like, if you’re stuck in negative emotions, resist the urge to put yourself down—or to prop yourself up with empty affirmations. Instead, tell yourself the truth. Tell yourself what’s real, what’s possible, and what you can do today.

That’s how you build a life you love. A life that’s beautiful, noble, and worthy of you.

Because the truth always sets you free.

Thank you so much for joining me today. It’s been a joy to talk through these principles with you. I hope they uplift, inspire, and ennoble you—and give you the tools you need to move forward if you’re stuck.

If you haven’t yet downloaded your free audiobook copy of The Mission-Driven Life: Discover and Fulfill Your Unique Contribution to the World, head over to themissiondrivenmom.com and grab it today. I don’t know how much longer it will be free, so make sure to do that soon.

I’ll see you next time.