EP 125: How Values and Victimhood TRANSFORMED her Marriage!

Get Your 3 FREE Audiobook Chapters of The Mission Driven Life: Discover and Fulfill Your Unique Contribution to the World: https://www.themissiondrivenmom.com/

In this brief interview, Carolyn shares how the principles of the MDM Academy transformed her life, her marriage, and her relationships. She discusses why the program appealed to her, the rich friendships she developed through the academy, and how principles are improving her life!

If you've ever wondered about whether or not this program is for you or your family, this interview will answer your questions and inspire you to let principles transform YOUR life!

Listen to the David Emerald interview for a deep dive into some of the concepts that have changed Carolyn's life! https://www.themissiondrivenmom.com/podcasts/the-mission-driven-mom-podcast/episodes/2148868481

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Podcast Transcript (AI Generated)

 All right. Welcome back to the podcast! Thanks for joining me today. I’ve got Carolyn Marriott with me — a good friend and a member of the Mission Driven Mom Academy. We’re just going to talk for a few minutes today about her experience.

For those of you who might be considering it, have gone through part of it, or are wondering how to get through it — or even what it’s all about and why you should care — Carolyn’s going to share some of her experiences. I thought she would be a great person to answer some of your questions, concerns, and other things that have come up about what this whole thing is, why it matters, and how it can bless your life.

So Carolyn, let’s start by you just telling us a little bit about yourself — your family, your career path, education, whatever you’d like to share.

Carolyn:
Okay. Well, let’s go clear back. I was a straight-A student all through high school — pretty good in college.

Audrey:
Mm-hmm.

Carolyn:
Not quite as straight-A, but still good. But I always knew there was something missing.

Audrey:
I felt that way too.

Carolyn:
Yeah. That’s so crazy. Why is that? Ugh.

Audrey:
“This can’t be it.” Like, is this it?

Carolyn:
Exactly. I had this piece of paper in my hand, and I knew I’d never read Shakespeare yet! I mean, I knew enough to know that there were holes — that I didn’t know how to think. I knew that for a long time.

Maybe it was because my dad was such a good example — he was super smart, always reading difficult things. I wouldn’t necessarily say classics, but he was always reading and talking about ideas and stuff. He didn’t really teach us how to do it — maybe he modeled it — but we didn’t really have discussions.

Anyway, I don’t mean to criticize him, but maybe it was because of him that I knew I was inadequately educated.

And then as I started having kids and sending them to school, I was unhappy with the school system. We were not in a good district, and I began homeschooling. That’s when I say my education really started, because all of a sudden I had this fantastic interest in learning — what education was all about — and started asking questions.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
I started doing a book group, just knowing I wanted to stay intellectually active, because especially as a mother of a lot of children, you just feel like a beast of burden. It kept my mind busy and gave me things to think about.

Looking back though, they were kind of lame book discussions.

Audrey:
Right? You don’t know what you don’t know.

Carolyn:
Exactly! We’d be like, “I don’t know, why did Tess do that?” or “That was so weird.” We were trying to talk about ideas, but we didn’t really know how. So again, I was getting there — but I needed MDM a long time ago. Let’s just say that. I needed Mission Driven Teen!

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
But you know, I’m not dead yet, so—

Audrey:
There you go.

Carolyn:
There’s still time! Anyway, I was almost done with my kids-at-home stage of life, and I was in a homeschool group. I don’t know how they learned about Mission Driven Mom, but I would hear their comments. They would say such cool things, and I was like, “Wow, that was so profound! What is this? How are you guys learning this stuff?”

I think that’s how I first heard about it. I also was somehow on an email list.

Audrey:
Oh, oh!

Carolyn:
Yeah, it’s a little vague because it’s been a while, and it took me a while to get started after I first heard of it. Once I started, I don’t think it had been going very long.

Audrey:
What made you sign up in the first place?

Carolyn:
Well, I’ve always had this desire to learn more. I could see from my friends that they were discussing things and ideas I hadn’t even thought about. Because I had that desire for more, I wanted to know what they were getting that I wasn’t.

We actually had monthly book discussions with our group, and they seemed to be coming up with such good stuff. So I signed up!

It took me a while to get started. I had every intention of going through the book — because back in the day, we got a paper book.

Audrey:
Yeah — the hard copy workbook. It’s just a printable now.

Carolyn:
Right. I had my plans to go through it, and it was encouraged that we get an accountability partner. So I thought, “I should probably do that.”

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
We decided to email each other every week about what we’d done, but that didn’t go so great — for about six months actually. Then we met at one of the Celebrations — I think it was the first Celebration.

Meeting her in person, sitting next to each other, we made a new connection and decided we needed to do a Zoom meeting. So every week we started doing Zoom meetings together.

Audrey:
That’s great.

Carolyn:
And that’s when we really took off.

Audrey:
My daughter does it with a couple of women she’s met — they’re in different states and everything —

Carolyn:
Oh wow.

Audrey:
Yeah, they’re in different parts of the program.

Carolyn:
My first partner and I worked together, and that worked really well. We could discuss ideas with each other and talk about how we were applying things in our lives.

That’s something I would really encourage people to do — get together with others. I’ve never met anyone in this program that I didn’t just adore. I’ve met so many great women.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
They’re like-minded — they think being a mother is important, they believe they have a mission, they really want to learn, they’re seeking truth. That’s my kind of girl.

Audrey:
Yeah. Amen.

Carolyn:
Amen!

So Valerie, my first partner — she’s quite a bit younger; she could be my daughter — but that didn’t matter. We got along great. Then we heard of other women and ended up joining their group. Now we’re in a group of about eight of us who meet weekly.

I’ve since met even more women and now have the best friends in the world. What do we do together? We talk about ideas.

You know, years ago I heard someone say, “You should talk about ideas, not people” — as in, don’t gossip. And I remember thinking, What else is there?

Audrey:
Yeah!

Carolyn:
Like, what ideas would we even talk about?

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
Now I get it — there are so many!

Audrey:
Yeah, I didn’t get it either back then — but now, there are so many.

Carolyn:
Exactly.

Audrey:
So tell me what you remember — what were some of the things that stood out to you that you were learning in the program?

Carolyn:
The number one — probably my biggest takeaway — is just to be a creator.

When I opened my book, there was a little paper insert that said, “I am a creator.” I literally had tears spring to my eyes because I’d never heard that before — and I instantly knew it was true.

One of the recurring blessings in my life has been recognizing that I am not a victim. I can choose the life I want. I can create the life I want. Things will happen to me that I can’t control —

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
— but I can control how I respond to the circumstances I’m given. And in that way, I am like God. I create with what I’ve got.

That’s been life-changing. It’s made my marriage better, all my relationships better. It’s made me happier. I can recognize when I’m in victim mode — and I’ll say, “Okay, I’m in victim mode right now,” — but now I recognize it, and I come out of it.

Whereas before, I think I lived in victim mode for years — decades, maybe — blaming others, feeling helpless, hopeless.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
So that was huge.

Audrey:
That’s huge. So why do you feel like it’s made such a big difference in your relationships?

Carolyn:
Well, I’m not blaming my husband, for example. I’m not blaming him because he’s the way he is and wants to do things a certain way.

Audrey:
Okay.

Carolyn:
And I want to do it another way, but I’m more of a pleaser and he’s more opinionated.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
And then I’d get mad at him because he had that opinion and I had to do what he wanted, right? But no — he doesn’t want a doormat wife anyway. As much as he likes having his way and not having to give in — that’s not what he really wants.

Audrey:
So how are you showing up as a creator without being off-putting to people — or making them feel like now it’s your way or the highway, or something like that?

You know what I mean? That kind of nuance — how do you feel like you’re showing up in relationships in this “creator” way? Can you describe that?

Carolyn:
Well, maybe it looks like saying, “Let’s talk about this, because this is what I think, and this is how I think we should do it. What do you think about that?” And then, “Okay, I can see one of us might have to compromise here — and if it’s me, I’m not going to hold it over your head forever,” that kind of thing.

It doesn’t mean you have to have your way; it’s just not blaming the other person every time something goes wrong.

Audrey:
Yeah. And owning your own stuff.

Carolyn:
Owning your own stuff — yes, exactly. Maybe I’m not the easiest person to live with! And when I consider that, it helps me see more clearly.

Another huge thing that has really helped me in my relationships is when we worked to discover our top values.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
At first, I thought it was kind of dumb. I mean, of course all these values are fabulous — how can I possibly choose? Like, I’m not going to say honesty isn’t a top value for me, but it’s not the top. It took me a while to realize that doesn’t mean I go around lying — it’s just not one of my top three values.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
So that was a huge thing. It took me weeks, but I slowly discovered, “Oh my goodness — the way things look, aesthetics, are really important to me.” That’s one of my top three values.

Audrey:
Wow.

Carolyn:
And it doesn’t mean my life is perfectly aesthetically beautiful, but it’s something that deeply matters to me — and that’s okay. That was freeing, because I used to think, “I shouldn’t be so focused on that; it’s so worldly.”

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
But no — it’s one of my gifts to the world.

Audrey:
Yes.

Carolyn:
And then my husband — well, his top three values are different from mine.

Audrey:
Sure.

Carolyn:
So now I recognize that. Independence, for example, is probably his number one value.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
And for me, that’s like number ninety-nine on my list — pretty far down there!

Audrey:
Uh-huh.

Carolyn:
So now I value his independence instead of seeing it as annoying.

Audrey:
Wow.

Carolyn:
I hadn’t identified that before. I just knew he always wanted to do things his own way, own his own business — things that were really important to him, but not important to me. So I didn’t understand it.

Now I see — that’s one of his top values. Aesthetics isn’t one of his, so we can work together, compromise when needed. Maybe I need a little more security than his independence provides, or maybe I need the house a little cleaner than he cares about.

We recognize those differences — and they’re good. They’re both equally good. One isn’t better than the other.

Audrey:
That’s awesome.

Carolyn:
It really is. It also helped me respect myself more, because I used to think my gifts were kind of boring or dumb. And now I’m like, “Ooh — a little bit of perfectionism can be good!”

Like when it comes to the written word — I can go in, fix the misspellings, put commas where they belong.

Audrey:
Yeah, and you enjoy it — and you’re good at it.

Carolyn:
Exactly. That was a big deal for me.

Audrey:
That’s awesome.

So what about the concept of principles? That’s a pretty heavy focus in the program. Does that mean something different to you now than it did when you started? And if so, what’s the difference — and what difference has it made?

Carolyn:
When I read something now, I’m looking for the underlying principles. When I watch a movie, I ask, “What are the underlying principles? What are they saying? What’s their worldview?”

It’s totally helped me become a more principled, critical thinker — to dissect what people are saying, understand where their fallacies or flaws are. I can recognize, “That’s not based on truth. That’s not based on natural law.”

Audrey:
So you feel more discerning — more grounded in principles of truth.

Carolyn:
Yes. More discerning.

Audrey:
And what difference do those principles make in your life? You think differently, you discern better — but how is that helpful day-to-day?

Carolyn:
Because I’m able to align my life more closely with true principles instead of misbeliefs that make me less happy and less successful.

Audrey:
Can you think of an example of one of those?

Carolyn:
Hmm, not off the top of my head — but I’d go back to that idea that I didn’t recognize I saw myself as a victim.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
And that it was better to create than to blame or persecute.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
That shift was everything.

Audrey:
So why is it important to be principle-centered in your mind? If somebody were to ask you, “Why should I even bother learning principles? Who cares?” — what would you say?

Carolyn:
Because there is truth — and there are consequences to living according to truth or not. You can’t escape that. Giving lip service won’t change it.

If you say something that’s not true is true, it doesn’t matter that you say it — it’s still not true, and it won’t lead you to goodness or happiness.

Audrey:
Yeah. Oh, that’s a great way to say it.

What was one of your favorite books in the program?

Carolyn:
Alcoholics Anonymous.

Audrey:
Oh wow! Why? I mean, I love that book, but what did you love about it?

Carolyn:
I just didn’t expect it to be so applicable to me.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
Everyone should read it. It should be required reading.

Audrey:
Yes — for all people. I totally agree.

Carolyn:
I’ve never been truly addicted to a substance — no alcohol, drugs, anything like that. But I have reacted to fear. I have been selfish. I’ve had those same thought processes that could lead me down the path of addiction.

And I have my little “mini addictions” that could be cured by applying the truths in that book.

Audrey:
Yeah. Yeah, I love that one so much.

Okay — a couple last things. What about the concept of mission? You mentioned earlier that these women care about being mothers and about mission. What does that concept mean to you, and why does it matter in your life?

Carolyn:
Well, I love the idea that being a mother is a mission. I truly felt that. To me, being a mother was the pinnacle of my life. And now I’m a grandmother — so it continues, but it’s not the same.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
But the idea that I can make a difference in the world is super important to me — that my strengths matter. Because we also did StrengthsFinder in the program, and that was very helpful. I discovered I had strengths I didn’t realize not everyone had, for example.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
Sometimes things come so easily to you that you don’t even realize they’re hard for other people.

Audrey:
You think everyone’s like that.

Carolyn:
Exactly. So that was great for self-discovery.

Now I can’t remember what we were talking about!

Audrey:
Mission — and why it’s important.

Carolyn:
Oh right, yes! So just realizing that my strengths can be used for good purposes — that’s huge. I’ve been reaching out and doing more in my community.

I recently worked with a Senate candidate in our state.

Audrey:
Wow.

Carolyn:
Yeah. I just feel more secure in the gifts I have and that I can offer them when people need them. I’m doing more things.

As much as, honestly, I’d like to sit and watch Netflix all the time — I feel that pull, I’m not going to lie — but that’s not how I want to spend my life.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
I don’t want to look back at decades of Netflix. Like, yeah, I really want more than that out of life. So to feel like I have a mission—there are things, there are people I can reach, causes I can help.

One of my specific loves is just the love of our country and the love of our Constitution.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
And while I think a lot of Americans have that, I’ve always kind of had a strong bend that way. I tend to enter the political spectrum because I don’t think I would make a good candidate myself, but I can be a great support person.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
And I’ve been a teacher that teaches about the Constitution and things like that. I’m passionate about that. I don’t see myself ever being world-famous, but I think I’m making a difference.

Audrey:
Yeah, you’re in there.

Carolyn:
Yeah. And if we all do that, the world is a much better place.

Audrey:
I love how you said that. It sounds to me like one of the things you’re expressing is that you feel more—maybe confident? I’m not exactly sure if that’s the right word.

Carolyn:
Yeah, maybe that’s a good word.

Audrey:
More self-aware. More settled into yourself. More comfortable with yourself.

Carolyn:
Yes.

Audrey:
Yeah, it’s an interesting process that I’ve watched with a lot of moms. It’s like a kind of humble confidence. It’s, “I’m very aware of where I’m not strong, but it’s okay for me not to be strong there because I know where I am strong. I know what I can give, and I don’t need to be able to give everything.”

Carolyn:
Yes.

Audrey:
“I can just tell these few things.” And so you can be honest with yourself and other people about what your limits are, but because you know you genuinely have something of value to give, you can show up and do that with a little more—

Carolyn:
Yeah.

Audrey:
—enthusiasm.

Carolyn:
Totally, totally well said. Yep.

Audrey:
Yeah, that’s so awesome. And it all goes back to the story I always tell about being in that class with those women, my friends, and them going up to the front with those roses and not being able to say anything good about themselves. Just feeling like—how can we build something that a woman walks away from…

I mean, I would say that makes me feel so grateful and humbled that the program came together in a way that creates that outcome for so many women, because that’s ultimately what I want. I didn’t want them to feel like they were superwoman and could do it all and be it all.

And I feel like, with all our little “I can do anything, I can be anything, follow your dreams” kind of cultural…

Carolyn:
Cultural selfishness.

Audrey:
Yeah, little—I mean, I don’t know if I’d call them lies, but they’re definitely little beliefs we throw out there. People internalize those. And this whole thing—I mean, when I was younger, maybe it’s just because I wasn’t a grown woman yet, but I don’t remember so much of this talk about “I’m not enough” and “How can I be enough?”

I feel like that’s really grown, and I do think it’s attacking women—especially mothers. Which is why, I mean, lots of women do the program who aren’t necessarily mothers, but specifically for mothers—because I feel like they’re kind of beat up.

Like the culture doesn’t value what you’re saying. You’re proud of being a mom. That was the pinnacle of your life mission. I feel the exact same way. You know, there’s this picture my brother took—he’s a professional photographer—of me holding one of my little girls at a family wedding.

And I told Blaine, “That’s what I want on the front of my funeral program.” Because I want to be remembered as a mom.

Carolyn:
Mm-hmm.

Audrey:
And I know many incredible women who feel that way. But the world tells them that’s not noble enough, that’s not worthy enough of them or their lives. And those who have done it and tried to do it well know it called for the best that was in them. It sculpted their character more than anything else.

And so for them to not feel proud of that—to feel like they’ve got to lose their personality or can’t do anything good—that’s so sad. It’s just that tricky dance our culture struggles with now: how do I be a mom and find fulfillment, and be proud of that, but also not feel like that means I don’t exist as a separate entity too, and there’s nothing for me as an individual? Just finding that balance.

Carolyn:
Yeah, that is a tricky balance.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
Yeah. Mothers are just so critical to society.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
As are fathers. But it’s making me think—so many times I’ve said, “Well, I’m just a mom.”

Audrey:
No. No.

Carolyn:
Yep.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
You feel a little apologetic, like you’re just… yeah, you’re in the trenches. There’s no glory.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
Yeah.

Audrey:
Well, that’s exciting to know that your daughter’s doing the program too, and hopefully it’s beneficial to her and her family as well. What is one thing, as we finish up, that you would like to tell someone who’s thinking about doing the program—or maybe thinking about putting their teen in the teen program—or who’s stuck in the middle of it and struggling to finish out? Any words of wisdom or advice for them?

Carolyn:
Well, I mean, definitely do it. Definitely stick with it. To me, if someone’s stuck, that means they could use a discussion group or—yeah—they need to reach out to the community. I think that would do the trick.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
For anyone else, I guess I can just give my testimonial that it’s a well-curated program. I really appreciate that you found the best stuff. And with some books, it was nice that we didn’t read the whole thing—we just read selections. I really appreciated that you picked the best of everything.

I know there are a lot of resources out there, so it was really nice to have them selected. I think you did a very, very excellent job picking what would really help us learn and change.

The earlier in your life that you can be grounded on truth and principles—and correct any misbeliefs you’ve already picked up as a young person—the better.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
Getting on more firm grounding will change the trajectory of your life. And I don’t care what age you are. I’m 60. I’m old.

Audrey:
You’ve got a lot of life left!

Carolyn:
Yeah.

Audrey:
Well, thank you, Carolyn.

Carolyn:
Thank you for Mission Driven Mom Academy.

Audrey:
You’re welcome. I’m glad to know it’s had such a positive impact in your life and your family’s life. Hopefully, for those wondering whether this is for them, this has answered some of their questions and concerns.

I hope it encourages you to get in there—grab a friend, do it together, take your time, apply the principles as you go. I think you’ll find over time that—while there are some pretty dramatic testimonials—there are also a lot of women saying, “My life is richer. It’s fuller. I’m more confident. I’m more settled in myself. I feel better able to navigate life and care for myself and love myself properly.”

And I’m really, really grateful that’s been their experience.

Carolyn:
That did remind me of one more thing—and that is, just take it in bite-sized pieces. There’s no rush. You want enough of a challenge, but I just fit it into the cracks of my life. I’d think, “Oh, I have half an hour here, I’ll grab that book, I’ll take it to the doctor’s office,” whatever.

Rarely did I have a set time to sit down and do it. Probably like, I don’t know, 30 pages a week, I’d say. And there are lots of videos—you can just watch or listen to them. They’re in an app now, so they’re easy to consume while you’re driving.

Audrey:
Yeah.

Carolyn:
So just pace yourself—enough to be a challenge, but not too much to be overwhelming.

Audrey:
Yeah. All right, well thank you so much.

Of course, if this has been helpful, please pass it along, subscribe, like, review—all that good stuff. Thanks for joining us. See you next time.